


Understanding a Reference, Finally

by sjaynec



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boys Kissing, Heartbreak, M/M, Possession, Sam Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5280509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sjaynec/pseuds/sjaynec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To be honest, I don't know what to say. If you're interested in Cas & Dean stories, then this could be for you. Only way to find out is to actually read it...</p><p>Feel free to message me through Tumblr...or whatever...<br/>http://i-should-not-have-said-that.tumblr.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pie Hunt

Dean sat opposite Cas on the round dinner table at 6:34 a.m.; a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the latest newspaper in the other. Dean slurped his coffee deliberately so Cas would look up. Of course Castiel knew what Dean was doing. He’d been doing it for a while and, although he may not understand everything, he understood this. Still, he looked up. He couldn’t help it; Dean got to him. After a particularly long slurp, whilst staring Castiel dead in the eyes, dean threw a sly smile across the table; dimples and all. A small chuckle escaped Castiel's lips. Dean smiled in satisfaction. It was the little things he liked; the way he could raise a laugh from Castiel, the small glances Castiel would risk, even while they were alone.

Sam was watching from the doorway to the kitchen. He saw the way they looked at each other. It’s how he used to look at Jess. He knew they belonged together, but they led a cursed life; they always would. Still, there’s no reason they couldn’t be happy, even if it was just for now. He cleared his throat and walked over to the table, hands in his pockets. Both Dean and Cas looked up at Sam, a small trace of guilt in their eyes, wondering if he saw. Sam conveyed no clue that he had seen them; he wouldn’t want to ruin it for them.

“So, get this…” Sam started to tell them both about the case they were working and his recent findings.

“Great, so, what? We can just go kill it?” Dean asked with a glance at Castiel. He was looking through the window of the kitchen, obviously in deep thought. The conversation continued without Castiel’s input and Sam and Dean started to get ready.

Dean bent to pick his sawn-off out of his duffle bag, deliberately brushing his shoulder with Cas’, who was sat ‘overseeing the preparation’ as Dean liked to call it.

“How’s my little angel?” He whispered close to Cas’ ear. Goosebumps rose on Cas’ arms and he started slightly. He was in the middle of a daydream; including him and Dean…yeah…I won’t get into that. Of course, he wouldn’t tell Dean that. Even though they hadn’t exceeded kissing, he was still the shy one. He liked to see Dean take control of things, in every situation. He looked to his side and saw the dimples on Dean’s cheeks as he was trying, unsuccessfully, to hide a grin.

“Dean, you know I’m not-” Dean cut him off mid-sentence.

“You still are to me.” He said with a hand on Cas’ shoulder and a stern look in his eyes.

After yet another successful hunt, the two boys returned and found Cas sitting in the same place and position as when they left. Sam went to put their things away as an excuse to give Cas and Dean some time alone, he wasn’t an idiot.

“Cas?” Dean said, moving his head so he thought he was in Cas’ eye line.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas replied in the deep, rasping voice that gave Dean shivers, still not moving his eye line; not focussing his eyes back to normal. It still looked like he was day dreaming, or in a trance.

“Uh, what do you do while I’m away?” while Sam wasn’t here, Dean could easily ask some more personal questions of Castiel that he wouldn’t usually ask.

“Wait for you to come back.” Cas said simply. This touched Dean in a way that something hadn’t for years. This broke down some of the wall in his heart that held back his emotions. Somehow, Castiel always managed to do that with the simplest statement. Before Dean managed to say anything else to Castiel, Sam wandered back in, unaware that he had interrupted.

“Everything ok?” he asked, sensing some atmosphere in the room.

“You know what? No.” Dean said, looking Sam dead in the eye before turning to Castiel with a slightly softer expression, “we’re out of pie.”

“Oh, ok. Well then-” Sam moved to pick up the Impala keys from the table, where Dean had thrown them.

“No, don’t worry, Sammy. Me and Cas will go. Give you some time to…you know…do what you do.” Dean picked up the Impala keys and motioned for Castiel to follow him to the door, “Whatever that is…” he said with a smirk in Sam’s direction. Sam chuckled as Dean closed the door behind himself and Cas. He wasn’t clueless, although he may act it in front of his brother. He could tell that Dean wanted some more alone time with Cas and, honestly, he didn’t mind. It was nice to see his brother smile and make a joke after a job.

What he didn’t understand was why Cas seemed the way he did. He had hunched shoulders, a more dazed look than usual, almost like when he first came to the brothers. He didn’t say anything when they came home either. He usually asks if they were successful or not and took a slight interest in what they had done, even if he wasn’t. Sam shrugged it off and figured that Dean would find the answer, he usually did.

Dean pulled the car over just before the turnoff to a gas station and shuffled in his seat to face Cas. He looked at Cas’ face and took in the details; the clenched jaw, the dazed and out of focus eyes, the wrinkles at the centre of his eyebrows that usually appear when in deep concentration. Cas slowly turned to Dean and looked him in the eyes for the second time that day. Dean’s heart hurt for Cas. He could tell something was wrong and it killed a little part inside of him because he didn’t know what it was.

Cas would have usually said something by now, even if it was something bitchy like a simple “Can I help you, Dean?”. Anything that would have made the weight in Dean’s heart lift, just a little.

“What’s going on Cas?” Dean almost whispered, pleading with his angel to let him in.

“I’m sat in your car with you, Dean, on the way to get some pie. At least that’s what I thought, up until you pulled the car over.” Dean laughed at this while Castiel was wearing a very serious expression.

“Cas, I think you know what I mean. I know I don’t always let people in on my mind, but that’s because my mind is one messed up place. I don’t wanna dump the weight of all that onto somebody; at least not onto somebody who I care about breaking.” Dean had tears shining at the corners of his eyes and Cas knew that he meant enough to Dean to let him see his emotions so freely.

“Yes, Dean. I did know what you meant, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Cas, how could you hurt this?” Dean gestured to his whole being and laughed, “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t needed to carry the weight of someone’s worries and stresses, as well as my own. Now you tell me that something that has had to go through that is easy to hurt.”

“I know Dean. I just- I just care about you that’s all.” Cas looked down at his hands in his lap; ashamed of admitting his feelings to Dean like he was some stupid, love-drunk teenage girl, obsessing over her favourite band member.

“Hey,” Dean reached for Cas’s hands and held them in his own, gently, “You think I don’t care about you?”

“I know you do Dean.”

“Well then let me in, angel.” Dean let go of one of Castiel’s hands and reached his own up to lift Cas’s chin so he could see his face. One single tear was rolling down Dean’s left cheek. This tore at Castiel’s heart. He hated to see Dean like this. The thing he hated more was that he was doing this to Dean.

“It’s just hard, Dean.” Cas closed his eyes for an extended blink and when he opened them again, there were tears shining in them. This is when Dean found Cas’s eyes most beautiful. He didn’t like to see these eyes often because of the sadness they held, but when they were bared to him, he couldn’t help taking in their piercingly blue beauty.

“Tell me, Castiel.” Dean moved closer to Cas on the bench seat in the front of the car and just sat, willing Castiel to open like a flower blossoming; revealing its beauty.

“I miss it; being an angel. I feel alone. The loneliness is an empty hole that can never be filled because I don’t know anyone in my shoes, Dean. I know you want to help, but there’s only so much you can do. I feel like everyone thinks I’m pathetic and ridiculous,”

“You’re not Cas. Just let me help you; tell me how.”

“You can’t, Dean. I can’t. I don’t know how I can even help myself. I feel like I’m trapped in a room with eyes all watching me and the walls are slowly closing in and I feel like I might collapse at any moment-” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s; a slow, gentle expression of passion. No battle for dominance. Just a kiss that would only calm down the right person; the person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life.

In that moment Cas’s heart rate slowed to a gentle tap against his ribcage instead of the insistent pounding that it was performing before. He kept his hands in his lap, afraid of what to do. Yes, he’d done this before with Dean, but never quite like this before. Dean pulled on Cas’s hands gently and placed them on each side of him as he moved his hands up to cup each side of Cas’s face. This gentle embrace showed just how much Dean wanted to take away Cas’s pain. For Dean to let all trace of his dominance and possessiveness go was what really made Cas realise this. He was thankful for what he had and couldn’t wish for anyone who cared for him better. Somehow, Dean made everything slip away in Cas’s mind when he kissed him, but when he kissed him this time, it was so perfect that Cas could have easily slipped into a state of unconsciousness. Before he had time to consider this an easy option however, Dean pulled away. Cas looked deep into the ocean green eyes he knew so well; searching for some unspoken words that might make this easier.

“Are you calm?” Dean asked, still holding Cas’s face.

“Yes, Dean. Thank you.” Cas had moved his hands back to his lap and started fidgeting.

“You know I’d do anything for you, Cas.”

“I know, Dean.” For the first time that night Cas smiled. He knew Dean all too well, “I thought you hated chick-flick moments?”

Dean moved back to his seat and turned the keys in the ignition. “Not with my angel.” He said it so quietly, Cas could hardly hear it but he knew Dean had said it that way to end the conversation.

“Shut up, Dean. Go get your pie.” Cas smiled as he said this and watched the dimples in Dean’s cheeks grow and rise with his grin.


	2. Heat of the Moment

When Dean and Castiel opened the door to the kitchen they saw Sam asleep; Head resting on his hand, books opened at various pages sprawled across the table top. Dean motioned for Castiel to be quiet and follow him. He carefully opened the fridge, slid the pie onto the top shelf and threw the empty brown paper bag onto the work surface. He then silently walked to the radio, resting on the window sill next to the table. Dean turned the volume up and switched it to the radio station he was listening to in the car, hoping the song was still on. He then sat opposite Sam, crossed his arms, planted a grin on his face, waited for the right moment and wrenched the volume to the top. Asia’s ‘Heat of the Moment’ blasted through the open kitchen and Sam jolted to consciousness; eyes immediately coming to rest on Dean with a scowl.

“Rise and shine, Sammy!” Dean said, with the same stupid grin on his face.  
“You’re a jerk, you know that?” Sam said, reaching for the volume to turn it down.  
“I know. Did you panic there? Think it was a Tuesday?” Dean mocked his baby brother, while pouring himself a small measure of whiskey.  
“It wasn’t funny Dean. How would you have liked hundreds of Tuesdays, watching your brother die?” Sam looked Dean straight in the eyes as he said this.  
Cas knew this moment was not one to be interrupted so he stood there, feeling a little awkward at the atmosphere that was intensifying in the room.  
"Well it sure as hell beats watching your brother dive into the cage as the devil and never seeing him again until one year later when he turns up without a goddamn soul!" Dean shot out the pent up anger that was raging inside his own head.

Cas walked out of the room almost silently; his trench coat the only sound as it fluttered around him, following him out of the door. He walked straight to the only room that offered peaceful reconciliation and thinking time; Dean's room.

He sat for a short while thinking about when he just watched over the Winchester brothers. The time before he had to introduce himself and interfere with their lives. He never wished, however, that he wasn't handed the task of watching over the boys. He enjoyed it. It sounded quite sick to put it like that considering all they'd been put through but he couldn't help but feel that he had rode this journey with them.

Before he could finish his pathetic mind-babble, dean slipped quietly into the room and sat on the edge of the bed facing Castiel. They just looked at each other for a while; sorrow in their eyes. Cas wanted to say something; to apologise, but at the same time he didn't want to ruin the silence.

"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean said, shamefully looking down.  
"It's okay Dean." Cas hadn't had much experience with apologies or how to accept them or even what to say. He figured this would have to do.  
"I don't like hurting angels; especially not my angel." Dean said, looking through his lashes at Castiel.  
"I don't like seeing fragments of you fall and brake, Dean." Castiel held up his hand with the amulet Sam had given Dean one Christmas long ago threaded through his fingers.

Dean was taken slightly aback by this gesture and, for a moment, his brain couldn't function enough to form a sentence. "But- I threw- How did you-?"

"Yes, it may not be of any particular use, but I miss seeing it hung around your neck," Castiel moved to place the necklace over Dean's head, "You're not my Dean without it." Castiel moved his right hand to push up Dean's chin and softly pressed his lips to Dean's. Only for a moment. This was the first time Cas had ever instigated any type of move with or on Dean. He slowly got up and walked out of the door, back to the kitchen, letting Dean's brain linger on that kiss for a moment. A sly smile tugged at his lips...and he liked it.

Dean couldn't quite get his head around this. Cas, for the first time, had just announced some possession of him. This was new. He wasn't used to this. He wasn't sure if he liked it. Then that kiss. That was something entirely different. Dean absent-mindedly ran his finger over his lips where they had made contact with Cas's.

Clearing his throat, Sam leaned against the door frame, arms crossed, one eyebrow raised in question. Dean quickly dropped his arm down by his side and spun himself so he was facing Sam in the doorway. "Yeah?" He said, voice sounding a little higher than usual.  
"Uh, we okay now?" Sam said, slowly walking into the room, dropping his arms by his side.  
"Of course we're okay, Sammy. When have we not been okay?" Dean replied, standing up.  
"Okay. Good. Um..." He wasn't entirely sure what to do, so he just stood there, making a fool of himself.  
"Yep." Dean said, equally as awkward. He brushed past Sam and headed out the door.

Sam didn't know why he felt awkward, he was genuinely happy for them. He heard them talking earlier and heard dean stuttering like an idiot. It was strange. Dean never stuttered. Then he heard the room go quiet and Cas walked into the kitchen. When he came into Dean's room, he saw Dean’s cheeks flushed and the amulet from many Christmases ago hanging proudly around his neck.

Castiel, sitting alone in the kitchen, thought about the relationship that might be. It could be great. But it couldn't happen. It was too risky. It might break the threads holding Sam and Dean together. It could hurt them both. Or worse; kill one of them. He didn't know why he let his mind wander so much. He always ended up thinking about the worst possible outcome for all situations. I guess he thought he just liked to cover all possibilities.

Dean walked past the kitchen, not noticing that Castiel was sitting alone at the table; momentarily not caring. He needed to get outside to cool himself off. He felt like he was overheating; a faulty circuit that needed replacing. He usually felt like this; that he wasn’t good enough and that he should be thrown away, but this time…it was a good feeling. Like love was the heat, and he knew damn well that Castiel was set for maximum temperature. He leant against the wall outside, one leg lifted and resting on the wall he was leaning on. He ran his hands through his hair and started to think this through.

He was pretty sure that Sam had a little knowledge of this…thing that was happening between him and Castiel. I mean, it was hard not to know anything when you spend almost every waking moment with your brother and closest…angel. He stood for a while mulling it over and muttering to himself quietly.

Castiel saw Dean out the corner of his eye as he sat at the kitchen table. It was unlike Dean to walk straight past Castiel without even glancing at him. Cas followed Dean silently, heading to the back door. The door was still ajar when Castiel stood there, watching what he could of dean through the gap between the door and doorframe and listening intently to the sound his lips made as he muttered to himself. He could hear almost clearly what Dean was saying as the whole house was quiet; the silence broken only by the rhythmic humming of the refrigerator. He loved the way dean actually thought things through, not like other guys who think with their- yeah…not their brain. Cas also loved hearing what was coming out of Dean’s mouth…the reasons why they should and how it would work. Before Dean could even approach the cons on the list in his mind Castiel silently inched open the door and stood behind him, his head just slightly over Dean’s shoulder waiting for just the right second.

“You’re adorable.” Dean tried not to jump as he heard this whispered in his ear. It was hard not to jump when that familiar, yet mysterious, summer-sweet breath danced around his earlobe and tickled the fine hair on the side of Dean’s cheeks. His smile was shy, reluctant to show how much this made him want to hug Cas. Cas was pretty much the only one who knew nearly all of Dean’s weaknesses; he was the only one Dean would allow in. This made Dean kind of uncomfortable because he never let anyone in and from his weaknesses it was easy to manipulate him. But dean was pretty sure that Castiel wasn’t going to manipulate him…at least not in the way everyone immediately thinks.

Dean tried to cover up his sudden vulnerability by saying “That’s what I like to think” with a crooked smile, leaning to one side in the cheeky way everyone loved.  
He turned to face Castiel but something happened that he couldn’t quite grasp until he ran it over in his head for at least a minute. As he turned Cas reached his hands up and slowly cupped the sides of Dean’s face pulling him in for a tender kiss. This dominating behaviour was happening more often with Castiel and Dean loved it. He ought not to but he couldn’t help it.  
As he pulled back, Castiel gazed into the emerald green eyes before him. No emotions displayed on his face and no words were exchanged. Castiel lowered his hands to his sides but continued to stare. Dean started to blush which was definitely not usual behaviour for him. However, he continued to stare into the sapphire blue eyes out of sheer curiosity.

After a while Dean had to break the silence. “What’s up, Cas?”  
“Oh, I was just seeing if I could feel awkward. I know should be able to because I’m hu-” Dean pushed Cas against the wall of the building, their lips pressed so tightly together, Dean could feel numbness creeping in. They stayed like that for a while, obviously alternating techniques but pretty much doing the same thing.

Dean pulled himself away from Castiel just far enough to move his lips to Cas’s ear. He breathed slowly for a little while before whispering “I never want to hear you say that word again, Cas… Please.” Dean pleaded with Castiel, who still had his eyes closed; feeling the sensations that only love can make explode like having Bonfire night or the 4th July inside you. His brain focussed entirely on Dean’s breath caressing his ear and he almost missed what Dean had said. But when he thought back to the moment, he couldn’t have missed it if he wanted to. He wouldn’t have been able to explain it if he tried, except say, I was meant to hear it and God wouldn’t let it slip away before it was heard.


	3. True Love's Kiss

The next few days passed without any life changing occurrences. Dean and Cas kept quiet but were together whenever possible. Sam liked to get out of the way as much as he could, so made excuses of doing 'research' when he was just hanging out at bars, passing the time and giving space to Dean and Cas. He never struggled to imagine what their life would be like if they left the business and just settled down. He could imagine that they would be like any ordinary couple. They'd have a little boy who would be taught the value of rock and love from an early age. He'd be taught how to look after his little sister. She would be the apple of Dean's eye. He'd take her to play dates, buy her cute little dresses for the summer, but still, she would learn to appreciate the finer things in life. These being, according to dean, AC/DC, his baby (the impala), love, trust, and most important of all, how to take care of yourself. Cas would insist that their kids wouldn't need to know any of this; that they would be perfectly safe, he'd make sure of that. But Dean would never be able to stress enough that even though they might have left the business for now, no one truly ever leaves it. Sam could see Dean and Cas getting dressed nice, straightening each other's collars, reminding one another to pick up the rose wine from the counter as they headed out the door to a dinner party down the road. Sam liked to think about these things when he was in the bars. It kept him on track to help his brother and Cas to get what he wanted for them; what he knew they both wanted

At the end of each night, however, he knew that sooner or later he would have to return home so that dean and Cas wouldn't get suspicious. When he arrived home every night he'd been out he liked to make just enough noise to make sure that they both knew he was home. This easily avoided un-welcomed awkwardness.

This night when Sam arrived home, Dean and Cas were sitting at the table with their coats on. When Sam opened the door they both stood and headed toward him.  
"What's up, Dean?" Sam asked, bewildered to see his brother so serious, so late at night.  
"I haven't had hard liquor in somewhere that wasn't this place in a long time. Me and Cas are heading out for a while. Don't worry, I'll be safe. Cas is driving us back." Dean replied to Sam, giving him a smile and a little, reassuring tap on the shoulder as he retrieved the keys to his baby.

Sam watched Dean and Cas pull onto the main road and sat for a while. He had even more thinking time. Better create some more scenarios, huh?

Dean and Cas drove in silence for a while. It wasn't uncomfortable. They had grown accustomed to each other's silence and it was like a gentle comfort to them both to hear the other breathe, no words spoken, but to be reminded that they were there, at each other's side. Always.

Dean pulled in to get gas and started to fill the car up. He popped his head back into the car as he was filling and spoke to Cas, "Hey, angel, do me a favour and pay for me while I finish this, please? It'll be quicker. Then we can head to the bar." Dean winked on his last word as Cas reached for his wallet. He headed to the kiosk to pay and dean slid back into the comfortable leather hug that was the driver’s seat of his baby.

'Rock you like a hurricane' came on the radio and dean turned the volume up. He started nodding his head in time to the music. It wasn't long till he was full on into the music, using the steering wheel as his drum kit. He noted that it was taking Cas a while to pay and as he looked around, he saw a queue at the till waiting to pay but Cas was already walking out of the door. Dean smiled to himself as he looked at his angel. He never ceased to amaze Dean of what a good person he was. Sure he was an angel but seriously, this guy was just... Dean wouldn't have been able to find the right word if he had the world’s largest thesaurus and a thousand years.

Cas's trench coat caught the wind and fluttered around him as he marched back to the car. It was like Dean was seeing things in slow motion. Cas looked like batman with his cape blowing around him. Dean looked down at the radio as static covered a line of the song and when he looked up things were still moving in slow motion, but for entirely the wrong reason.

Dean could see the expression on Cas's face falter and change as his left knee bent first to try and take the weight of his body as he started to fall to the ground. He dropped Dean's wallet by his side and his hands tried to support his legs as he was now inches from the floor. Dean froze for a minute before he rushed to the handle of his door, fumbling before managing to open it. He jumped out, not caring that he left his baby open and unattended. All he cared about was reaching Cas before he hit the floor.

Dean slid onto the floor just before Cas did and managed to catch him in his arms. He could now see where the bullet had punctured his left side, just above his hip. Dean had seen some gruesome scenes before and plenty of blood to know better, but he couldn't help but think that blood shouldn't be flowing out of someone's body that fast. He tried to stench the flow with his hand and he heard distant background noise and guessed that people from the kiosk were now starting to emerge and see the scene. Dean looked from the wound to Cas's eyes and found them searching his own. He didn't know what to say.

"D-Dean," Cas stuttered.  
"Shh" dean tried to calm Castiel but he couldn't convince himself to stay calm as tears welled up in his eyes and he saw his angel broken in his arms.  
"It hurts."  
"I know, I'm gonna get this sorted. It won't hurt for much longer, I promise." Tears started to fall from his eyes onto Cas's shoulder below him and left rain-like drops on his coat.  
"Dean, I-"  
"You shouldn't talk. It'll only hurt more." Dean managed to say through his tears, still trying to calm himself and reassure Castiel.  
"Shh!" Cas said, smiling slightly. "I am not stupid. I've seen this before and I know what it means and how it usually ends..." Now tears were overflowing from his ocean blue eyes and made them seem even more ocean-like than ever. "And I want you to know that it doesn't matter what happens, or where I go. I will always remember you. I may not have had long with you but I want you to keep this moment in your mind forever. Because this is the part in my story where the poor boy from a sad background tells the heart-throb...that he's madly in love with him." Cas reached his hand up painfully and pulled Dean's head down to his own. They shared what they assumed to be their last kiss...maybe it was...maybe it wasn't. But if it were a fairy tale...it would be true loves kiss. And everyone knows that conquers all.


	4. Waiting Room

After the initial shock and turbulence of the incident, things started to speed up in Dean's brain and they moved a little quicker than he would have liked. Cas was lifted by multiple paramedics to the ambulance that was to Dean's left. He hadn't noticed it pull up, he hadn't even dialled one. He hated himself for letting the thought slip away from him. To be honest, though, just in case anything happened, he was happy he got to spend that time with Cas the way he did. A bystander came and helped him to stand, at which point he reached a hand up to his cheek and wiped away the tears that he hadn't noticed falling. When he looked down at his hands, he noticed blood. A lot of blood. It was on his clothes, smeared across his jeans. He wanted to change out if these clothes just to try and wash away the memory and hope everything would turn back to normal. But he knew it wouldn't be.

A paramedic asked questions to which he had one word answers. It was like being drunk, except in reverse; he knew what was going on, but he couldn't do anything. This was also not exactly a great feeling like being drunk is. Being drunk you have the ecstasy of thinking you are the greatest being in the universe and only have to worry about it for a few hours the next day. But this...Dean hadn't experienced anything like this. He supposed he should have because he had watched his brother died in front of him. But this was different…

When his mind finally caught up with what was happening he realised the last door was being shut on the back of the ambulance. He couldn't remember getting in. He also couldn't remember the blanket that was around his shoulders. He abruptly shrugged the blanket of his shoulders, not wanting to have to rely on material things to help him; not wanting his focus to be taken from Cas to very minor things. Cas...

Dean blinked his mind back into focus and moved to the side slightly. He saw Cas's head rolled to his left side, away from dean. He saw no movement except the paramedics working on his body. God, dean hated to think of it that way; as a body, but he supposed he would have to get used to it.

He wanted to ask questions the whole journey; he wanted to know what was going on, but he didn't know what to say. He wished he'd never asked Cas to pay for the damn gas. He knew this would haunt him forever and he would hate himself every day for this but nothing, not ever, would make him feel the way he did now.

When the ambulance stopped at the hospital Dean was ushered to a waiting room and he sat, as he was advised by the paramedic. A few moments later he saw Cas's body get rushed by with around seven people crowding all the available space around him.

He prayed. If there was a god...well, if god was listening, he prayed the hardest he ever had. He prayed for Cas to be okay. He prayed for Cas to live. He prayed and that's all he could do.

Dean dialled Sam's number and Sam picked up on the second ring.  
"What's up?"  
"Sammy..." Dean started to gulp back the tears that were starting again. Well...they were threatening to come more quickly than they already were, for Dean had not stopped crying since he looked into Cas's eyes.  
"Dean? What's wrong?"  
"Sammy...you have to come to the hospital, man." Dean used his free hand to wipe his eyes and his hand ran down the sides of his face, resting on his jawline, showing his fatigue.  
"What's wrong?"  
Sam's question was met with silence as dean couldn't hold the tears back, but he wouldn't make a noise. He couldn't draw attention to himself.  
"Dean! Look, I'd love to come down there and find out what is going on and probably punch you in the face for walking out on me without much info, but if you remember, you and Cas took the-"  
"He's been shot."  
Now Dean's statement was met with silence, at least for a while.  
"What?" Sam asked in a gentle tone that suggested he already heard but couldn't comprehend the situation.  
"We were at the gas station. He got out to pay and on the way back-" he couldn't say anymore. The tears were free-flowing like Niagara Falls now.  
"I'm coming now." Sam hung up but dean had already heard the sound of Sam putting on his coat and a door shutting whilst he was talking.

The wait took forever. An endless timeline stretched in front of Dean with possibilities his mind presented to him, without his knowledge of them being there. His mind kept running even though he had no fuel left inside him. He hadn't slept in god knows how long. He hadn't eaten in god knows how long. And he was in dire need of a drink. But nothing-nothing-came before Cas's safety and well-being.

Dean shuffled a little in his seat trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing was comfortable. He tried standing but that was worse; he'd stand for a few seconds then his hands would shake, then his legs, until he had to lean and eventually sit on a chair. He felt about 80 with the exhaustion of it all. His brain, stretching further into overdrive, showed him pictures of possibilities; Cas's body, Sam coming too late, a lonely kitchen, Cas's headstone, never feeling as happy as he did when he was around Castiel. Everything pointed to Cas's death and dean without him.

As Dean’s mind was slowly descending into unfathomable thoughts that all centred around Cas, Sam walked purposefully into the waiting area and sat down next to Dean. There were no words to be exchanged at this point; nothing that could have been said to ease any tension or relieve any atmosphere of sorrow. Sam looked to his right, toward Dean, and saw a sole tear gliding down his cheek as he looked at the generic linoleum floor tiles of the waiting room. He tried to process in his mind what this must be like for Dean but, although he had lost loved ones, he couldn’t. He guessed this was down to the fact that it was so hard for Dean to let go and love someone whole-heartedly and that this could not equal the loss he went through because, somehow, it seemed like Dean loved and cared more.

Sam didn’t know how long he had been looking in Dean’s direction, his eyes out of focus, running things through in his mind, but Dean turned to him. His body was slouched, he leant on his knees for support, his eyes were bloodshot but still, that tear was rolling down his cheek as if it had paused in motion waiting for Sam to look again. Dean just looked Sam dead in the eyes for about two seconds, which felt like years, and then turned back to the floor tiles. Dean didn’t wipe the tear away. It was almost like it was his hope and once that was gone, there was nothing else.

Sam was opening his mouth to reassure Dean that it was going to be okay; that Cas was going to be okay, when a young female doctor came in. She was tall, blonde, had what would be considered a ‘perfect figure’ by most males, large green eyes, sharp but attractive features and yet, Dean didn’t seem the slightest bit interested in her except for what she was just about to say. She looked tired in her eyes, like she was nearing the end of a shift that felt like it had lasted three days. Apart from that she had a regular, common, emotion-less face happening that most doctors wear most of the time to keep from enticing or crushing families/waiters/visitors hopes.

She looked from Sam to Dean and back again, obviously not knowing which of the two were closer to the patient. Her lips parted and she took alight breath as she steadied herself for what she was about to say. Dean and Sam were only hoping for Castiel’s safety, they had no idea whether he would definitely be okay.  
“Would you both like to follow me?” She asked them both, turning before she had actually finished speaking. She had a slight Tennessee drawl to her voice; obviously she wasn’t from around here.

The young nurse led them to an isolated room filled with white furniture that was obviously fitted throughout the whole hospital. She opened the door and led Dean and then Sam into the room. She stood by the side of the hospital bed and waited for the brothers to file around the other side.

“He’s stabilised but we’re not entirely certain that the outcome will be positive.” She said.

Dean stood in silence looking past the nurse at a blank spot on the wall. The tears were stinging his eyes as he blinked them back. Sam walked with the nurse to the door of the room, thanked her, and returned to Dean’s side. He put his hand on Dean’s left shoulder blade.

“Dean, he’ll be fine. The nurse said he’s stabilised. He’ll be back with us in no time. I promise.” Dean couldn’t listen to this from his brother. He wouldn’t listen to his brother promising something that might never happen. He couldn’t listen to something that might give him hope, for it to be brutally smashed days later when the inevitable news turns up.

“Uh,” Dean’s voice was thick after not speaking for a while, “Sammy, why don’t you go and get me a coffee? I haven’t had this much disaster in one day since I came to find you at Silent Hill. And honestly, I’m beat. Must be the old age.” Dean flashed Sam some of his cocky grin that covered whatever issues were happening beneath the surface and trusted him not to ask any questions.

When Sam left the room Dean sat in the armchair next to the bed and looked at Cas. He took in his limp body, his arms resting at his sides. The slow rise and fall of his chest. Dean placed his hand over Cas’s and gripped it. It was a soft embrace that would have felt loving, provided the recipient was conscious. Dean prayed even more in his head. He prayed that Cas would pull through, that Cas would still love him, that Cas would still be Cas. He just prayed for Cas. And he never stopped. He lifted Castiel’s hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. As he opened his eyes and started lowering Cas’s arm, he noticed something on the inside of his bicep. When Cas’s arm had been lifted, the short sleeve of the hospital gown pulled back, revealing writing that had been branded on him almost like a tattoo, except it was different. Dean couldn’t read it. God, he wanted to know what it said but he couldn’t ask Sam. For all Dean knew, Cas had ‘πού πηγαίνουμε δεν χρειαζόμαστε δρόμους’ branded on him because it was pretty. But Dean knew Cas better, there had to be a reason.


	5. Home

Two weeks later and things were almost back to normal. Or at least they seemed that way. It was nowhere near normalcy for Dean because Cas wasn't there.

Dean left Sam to his research and went for a drive. When he sat in the impala the memories came flooding back. The first time Cas sat in the impala; the 'hot potato' moment with Kevin; their first kiss; the day of pie; the sing-a-long; and finally, the last time he sat in the impala.

Dean remembered it so vividly. He remembered every little thing like it was etched into his mind in high definition. He remembered every sound, every feeling. And he couldn't relive them. He pulled the impala over on the deserted back road and sat for a while. The thoughts kept running over and over. A single tear spilled down his cheek and then, like the floodgates had been opened, more came. But he didn't try to stop them.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting but he knew that he was slowly going numb. He opened the door of the impala, smoothly slid out and stood straight. He had the keys in his hand, no one could take his baby. He walked so he was on the top of the ridge of land before it steeply went downhill for around 10 feet or so, before stretching into a vast field of colour. He sat on the edge, legs dangling. He stared as birds met in clusters in the maze of flowers and rose, as one, into the air until they seemed to drift away into insignificance.

He couldn't stop the thoughts running through his head. It had all been his fault. Everything. It always was. The tears were still coming and he couldn't stop them. He didn't want to. He wanted to grieve for someone he loved like he never had before. He had let Cas go and now it was all his fault.

Dean soon decided that there was only one place left for him to go. He stood, brushed the dry dirt off his jeans and fired up the impala. The wheels spun as he revved his engine, then they caught on the ground finally, and he sped off.

Around half an hour in to his drive his cell started vibrating and lighting up on the passenger seat next to him. Sam's name flashed up on the screen several times before he answered. He held the phone in his left hand, holding the steering wheel with the right, and placed his left elbow on the door panel against the drivers side window.

"Sammy?" Dean said in all seriousness.

"Dean, uh, where are you? It's getting dark out and I'm a little worried. You haven't been eating properly - so not you, by the way - you haven't been sleeping properly -that's right, I hear you pacing your room every ni-"

"Sammy. I'm fine, I'm just on a drive. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I know how to take care of myself." Dean interrupted Sam because he honestly didn't need to be told what he was doing every day wishing and hoping against hope.

"Well..."

"Sam leave it."

"Woah, okay. Got it." Sam was just about to hang up, dean could hear him growing fainter.

"Sammy?" Dean said in a softer tone.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." Dean hung up before anymore chick flick moments could interrupt his life. He tossed his phone into the passenger seat and continued driving, both hands on the wheel, his eyes fixed to the road, a look of steely determination on his face.

It was almost morning when he reached his destination and his eyes were bloodshot and aching from not sleeping. Even if he had stopped at a motel he wouldn't have been able to sleep. The only thing he needed on a night drive like that was the company of his baby and some zep.

When he felt as ready as he ever would he turned off the car, stepped out, and headed to the iron entrance gates. The tall walls on either side of the gates held atop two imposing Griffon's staring at each other with beaks open, as if they were calling to one another. Dean pushed hard on the gothic, wrought iron gates and they creaked open.

He walked down the narrow, cobbled aisle between the many rows of ageing headstones. As he walked the sun rose tentatively each second, not sure whether to break through the early morning mist.

Although he had no guns, no knives, no holy water, no weapons of any sort to protect him, he never felt vulnerable. He ought to, being in a place like this. But somehow he felt secure, like something was protecting him.

He reached the row he wanted and looked back to the gates he had entered through. They were quite small now and he could see the early signs of the sun easing it's way down the iron bars.

He walked past seven headstones before stopping in front of a one made of cream marble with gold flecks in it. He stood, unsure of what to do at first, much like when he used to pray.

He lifted his head to the sun, his eyes partly shut, and ran a hand over his face trying to stop any more tears from coming. He took a deep breath and looked back at the headstone with both hands in his pockets. He couldn't speak. His words were lodged in his throat and he couldn't force them out. All he could do was stand there and observe, his mind reeling, asking questions he wasn't sure anyone knew the answer to.

It got too much for him to stay resolute and all too soon a single tear tracked it's way down his cheek. He firmly wiped it away and as he did, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sure she would have been very proud, Dean" the deep mysterious voice was a blessing to Dean's ears and yet, he did not believe it to be true. He had so often wished for this moment that he thought this was just another figment of his imagination.

He turned and saw the familiar and, given the circumstances, breath-taking view of Castiel, illuminated by the pre-sunrise. Dean tilted his head this way and that and moved his lips, with no sound being produced. He shuffled in his stance unable to believe that this was real an even blinked hard a couple times before truly giving in.

Obviously understanding what Dean's though process was, Cas continued like Dean had asked a question. "There was a moment when people were a little afraid because I had actually died for a moment, or so I was informed. I have to tell you, the human experience of being shot is not altogether pleasant."

"Cas-" Dean interrupted, irritated by Cas's use of words enough, he snapped out of his trance.

"Dean!" Cas re-interrupted Dean with more force and possession in his voice "if you would let me continue I will elaborate." Dean was shocked and taken aback by the sudden turn Cas's attitude had taken. "Thank you. Anyway, I did die. For a moment. But for some reason, I was sent back here. I don't know why. I can't remember how. But I have discovered that I have been sent back with more of what you would call 'mo-jo'." While saying this word Cas used air quotations. "Hence, the reason why and how I am here." Cas finished and looked expectantly at Dean.

Dean's head was tilted to the side, like when a dog doesn't understand a command, and Cas could see him trying to resolve the confusion in his brain. Dean kept looking into Cas's eyes and Cas just stare right back into his. The sharp reds and oranges that punctuated the timid sunrise were lighting their faces and Cas was engrossed in the beauty of Dean's crystal green eyes that we're growing brighter by the slow rising of the sun.

Cas's back was to the sun and so his eyes were quite dull but Dean was still finding it terribly easy to get lost in their blue depths. Dean could never tire of seeing these eyes. When he looked into Cas's eyes they made him feel something he hadn't felt in years. He felt it right to the pit of his stomach. And, although he hadn't felt it in years, he still knew what it was. He felt home.


	6. He Understands The Reference

Dean blinked and all of a sudden Cas's lips were on his. Cas was being rough but gentle at the same time. His hands were clenching the opening of Dean's jacket just below the collar and he was pulling dean toward him, making sure they were as close as they could be. It was confusing for Dean and he wasn't comfortable at first, then he started to relax and deepened the kiss, his hands around Cas's waist.

They had been like that a while an the sun was finally showing itself, almost as if it had been waiting for this moment; their kiss, to appear. The bright light shone past Castiel and would have blinded Dean if he had had his eyes open.

Cas could feel Dean's face scrunching up, trying to stop the light hurting his eyes and he wanted to fix it. Only he didn't know if it would work. He slowly relaxed all of himself and his grip on Dean's jacket loosened slightly.

Dean’s face became less tense as he felt a shadow cover him. He didn't really register what had happened at first but when he though about it, there was nothing that could cause a shadow to fall on him like that. He pulled back for a second and opened his eyes, looking over Castiel's right shoulder. He could see the sun shining right at him but he barely needed to squint. He looked to Cas's face to see he was smirking. Dean knew that sort of smirk and looked around behind him, not believing it could be possible.

When he looked at the floor he could see his and Cas's shadow, but that wasn't all. He saw, outstretched from Castiel like a majestic Eagle, two great wings. Before even realising what was running through his mind, Dean quietly whispered; "They're beautiful".

He spun back round to face Castiel, the smirk still playing on his lips, and said, staring deep into the inky blue eyes "I freaking love you" before placing his hands on either side of Cas's face and pulling their lips together once more.

When they finally returned to the impala and let go of one another's hand to get in, they sat for a while, looking at the sun pulling itself further into the sky. Dean turned his head to look at Cas. He took in his relaxed form and goofy smile, evidently the product of the strong hues of the sunrise.

"I-uh-when-" Dean started.

Cas turned to face dean, goofy smile still there, "you're adorable when you stutter." This made Dean blush like a schoolgirl. He turned away from Castiel and looked into his lap, letting the blush fade. When he looked up Cas was still smiling at him and staring into his eyes.

"When you were in the hospital, I was there on your first night."

"I know you were, Dean. I heard."

"And I-wait, you heard? I'm sorry, mr comatose, how exactly does that work?" Dean lifted one eyebrow in question.

"I'm not sure. I was in heaven and I kept hearing your voice like it was on a loudspeaker. Which should have been impossible. As far as I am aware, it has never been done before." Castiel looked forward, eyes hazy, in thought, a confounded expression played through his delicate features.

"Cas?" Castiel looked toward Dean, his face gentle and eyes innocent, "when you were in the hospital, I saw your arm. The branding, what is it?"

"Oh, Dean, you don't need to worry about that." Cas said. Lifting his sleeve and looking at his arm.

Dean placed his hand over Castiel's, "I would like to know. Please."

"When an angel, even an ex-angel, steps foot once again in heaven, presumably for good, they have a similar process as a human. This meaning they relive preferred scenes of their life, or time on Earth, but angels have the ability to construct scenes, even if it never happened. However, if an angel is sent back to Earth they bear a mark of their return. They tend to look like modern tattoos because they're easier to explain to people who see them. A mark could be a picture of a loved one, a simple shape, words, anything that bares significance to the angel. The mark is seen like a qualification, if you will. It outwardly shows how experienced you are by showing how many times you have walked the earth. At least that's what it's supposed to be. It's not always the case though, some angels are sent down for a special request from god, others for unnoticeable errands. He is our father, and uses us like he would sons. Like your father used you. As a soldier. These marks are scars for many." Cas continued to stare into Dean's eyes, watching the emotion play behind like a tv screen.

Dean managed to pull a thought together from the rubble of his brain, "so, what does it say?"

Cas laughed, "all you need to know is that I understand that reference."

"That makes no sense to me, Cas."

"Oh believe me, Dean, it makes sense to you, you just don't realise it yet." Cas said with a smirk.

"What language is it written in? Because it's clearly not English or Latin." Dean didn't want to say it but those were the only two he actually understood (in parts).

"I distinctly remember watching you on one specific hunt and your Winchester logic struck me. You said to Sam 'no one speaks Greek any more' to which he replied 'yeah, except Greeks' I found it very humorous and is one of the memories that was often replayed in heaven." Castiel looked down at his feet and giggled to himself.

"Can I ask you something, Cas?"

"Anything, Dean." Cas replied looking, once again, into Dean's eyes.

"What was your heaven? You said that angels could construct scenes at will, what were yours?"

Cas blinked a few times and his expression changed to that of a cute puppy or a love drunk teenager, somewhere between the two. "You were in every single one." Dean grinned madly at this statement and tears came to his eyes. He couldn't believe how much one person could change his life and how much he could change one persons life.

"How about that drink?" Dean said, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes still showing his pleasure at the things Castiel had said.

"Sure, Dean." Castiel said, smiling more at one side of his mouth than the other, showing how utterly devoted he was to the human he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading, if you stuck with it this far. I appreciate it! This is my first Destiel fic and I hope it was okay for you guys. I'm open to suggestions of any fics you's may want written...even if they are a little more...well lets just say graphic. Just drop me a message, comment, or an ask on my tumblr. And please, if you would be so kind as to comment and be polite and say if you enjoyed it or even if you didn't...that'd be cool. Alright, bye!


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